Right Cheek Meets Wasp

waspEver have one of those weeks where you this pleasant expectant feeling of anticipation that builds as the previous week comes to a close and Friday approaches? Not because you have any big plans, just because you are excited to be home and have your family together? That is how I felt all week. And I must say that with a crash boom and a dull clank…The weekend was comically bad.

Now I already rambled on about Saturday night, me and my beloved being on different planets. Although the flowers were an easy sell for such as me….I have to say I was a little irked by the late late..return after “dinner”…..I am the queen of anxiety so my mind goes to the dark place. Car wreck, carjacking, random bombing..you know logical things like that? The usual text that says, “On my way” never came…So I worried. When my sweetheart crawled into bed reeking of beer, but safe I was relieved and let out a sigh..but with the inhale came a tidbit of peevishness. I am not an easy person, what can I say (we have discussed he is a saint? Partly because he puts up with me)? Sunday comes and we have a family thing at his grandparents, I will be meeting family members that I have not met so of course I am nervous (neurotic). I get up and get ready, get the baby up, bathed, dressed, and feed her. I pack her bag. Take my 10 year old to his fabulously sparklicious destination (Sunday visitation with his dad). Come home so my husband and I can get ready. We leave on time for once. Now awkward sets in as soon as I enter the crowded house, so after meeting a few people I take Lyla outside to look at the fish….and promptly get bit on the ass by a wasp. Flies up my dress and with no provocation bites me on the right cheek…Now there are people milling in the yard. I am caught between panicking that the thing is still in my dress and going to keep biting the parts I keep covered (which makes me want to throw off my dress and run around the card screaming and batting) and not wanting to draw attention to myself. I have a two year old so I cannot just run and leave her…But I am starting to seriously lose it. So I see my husband coming and he asks me what is wrong, and I quietly tell him what happened, his response is…”Do you want me look at it?” why yes dear, please pull up my dress and examine my ass cheek in front of your grandparents!! So I creep towards the house, trying to look inconspicuous…All the while hold my dress away from my rear parts. His Mom and Aunt ask…”What is wrong?” He does not read my brain shouts of “don’t say it, don’t say it!” (did I mention we are not even the same species at the moment, so he cannot read my mind). He almost shouts (to my ears anyway) “She got bit in the butt by a bee!!!” To which his Aunt says” Oh the way she was walking, I thought she had pooped herself”. As you can imagine my not wanting to register on the radar, went straight to pure misery at the amount attention, and the fact that while I am trying to conceal my predicament I have succeeded in looking like I shat myself. So after that I scurry, or actually kind of sidle into the one and only bathroom….trailed by aunts (plural), grandma, mom….all worried all wanting to try things I hear Vanilla, Benadryl, they all want to examine…I just want to hide. In my haste and I think also due the age of the house…I do not lock the bathroom door and I actually leave it open..allowing for company as I am bent over twisted around and trying to examine my own ass …I am going to end this here, with the last comment of I am positive that I made quite an impression on his out of town family…He must be so proud!


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