Day 5 Bathroom Smathroom…Peeing is for Losers

There was once a time I took walking into the bathroom, undoing my pants, sitting down and having a peaceful good pee for granted. Now it is like some sort of forbidden luxury. These days I hold it until it is almost too late and I run hunched over, knees locked into the bathroom chanting “waitwaitwaitwait” (me begging my bladder for a few more nanoseconds before it lets loose). There is never enough time. And even when there is, your nerves are all jangly and on edge waiting to hear the little footsteps following you. If your toilet is not at arm’s length away from the door, and the terror of realizing that you have forgotten to lock the door doesn’t assist in the flow; Those footsteps following you will soon be followed by the door swinging open and a little human standing there asking ” Whatcha doing?” definitely will. You cannot answer with the snarky “What the hell does it look like I am doing???” Although, 95% of the cells in your body are screaming to holler it with gale force. So you state the obvious and pray it is not followed up with a “why?” I cannot tell you how much I have learned to really despise that beginning of a sentence. “Why is the sky blue, why are you washing dishes, why is the car black, why is the grass green, why do you grind your teeth, whywhywhywhy??”
Bathroom Doozy: You have an appointment out of town, you must be there at a set time and drive highway 217 to reach your destination. It has taken getting up hours early to get ready, because showering on a schedule is a thing that now takes stealth and canny. You are chugging coffee, showered, dressed, baby is dressed, and the child that is going to the appointment is ready. You have even made sure everyone has used the bathroom. As you are stuck on 217 you realize that you are feeling some activity going on in your bladder, this causes panic because you are eyeing the little symbol on the GPS that lets you know how traffic ahead is looking dicey at best. Eyes darting from the actual time to the “arrival time” and you know, you just know that you are going to need to pee! Normally with no children its no biggie, but in your head you are thinking of the time it takes to…find a parking spot, unstrap baby, run the distance to the building, find a bathroom (two floors down from your appointment), plant the male child in the hallway shouting loud enough for people to stare “STAY RIGHT HERE, DO NOT MOVE!!!”, Enter bathroom, figure out where to hang your purse and coat all the while your knees are locked. It’s not gonna happen! The “Waitwaitwaitwait” chant starts! While you hold the baby under one arm football style, the other hand is laying down a seat liner. If you are really good you can squat, which requires some killer thigh muscles and balance. You manage to do a one handed unbutton, zip, yank down pants, and melt onto to seat with baby on lap. Now tell me, oh childless people, got some advice to beat that? Or did you just want to start applauding now??
Baths…I used to love baths. I would take a People magazine (yes I love trash don’t tell me you don’t want to see who had a skin showing fashion mishap or see if KK breasts can get any bigger??) and read cover to cover, refilling when the water got cool. Now and again I sometimes forget that I am not a person that can do that anymore. I think “Go go, they are not looking, they won’t notice if I make a mad dash”. I make it there, strip down, run the water all the while on edge!! I know that even if the door is locked I will soon hear soft scratching. That is the sound of a small human with their bodies pressed against the door, running their hands over the surface of the wood, saying softy “Whatcha doing?” It is truly chilling….worse than any shower psycho scene. There is build up of such tension. Even if they haven’t done it yet, it is only a matter of time and you know this…Just a matter of time before you hear the scratch, scratch….and then the fingers will appear under the door…….wiggling…because as before I stated…these creatures “NEED” you.
So my fine child wise friends, pee at leisure, bathe with sheer gluttony….it will end one day. The bathroom will no longer be taken for granted or a safe haven. It is my friends, the place that nightmares are created.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. hownottokillyourparents
    Jun 21, 2013 @ 12:13:16

    Love this. “The places that nightmares were created.” It’s all so true.

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    • Dagmar Tully
      Jun 21, 2013 @ 17:48:06

      I thought that I would put a picture of Janet Leigh in The Shower scene in psycho..but that might be taking it too far.

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      • hownottokillyourparents
        Jun 21, 2013 @ 17:50:57

        Oh I don’t know. I’ve had my grandma walk in on me once or twice and it always feels a little psycho-esque.

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      • Dagmar Tully
        Jun 21, 2013 @ 18:37:03

        When did the bathroom stop being a private sanctuary? And why didn’t I ever appreciate it? I never thought I would have to utter the words “can you please leave I am trying to pee” to a person.

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      • hownottokillyourparents
        Jun 21, 2013 @ 19:15:58

        You know… my grandma has always had boundary issues, so I don’t really even notice it anymore. But I should, though. I absolutely should. 🙂

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      • Dagmar Tully
        Jun 21, 2013 @ 19:22:06

        No maybe it is just better to not…makes it easier (most of the time). I took a beer into the bathroom the other day and pretended I was on vacation!! It was 120 seconds of pure bliss..then I heard the steps…

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  2. hownottokillyourparents
    Jun 21, 2013 @ 12:38:31

    I think your stuff is pretty great, so I gave you a shoutout over at my place. You can check it out here: http://hownottokillyourparents.wordpress.com/2013/06/21/its-friday-so-follow-that-blog-2/ . Happy Friday!

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