In the Closet (I Eat Meat)


I have a …ahem…family member that is a fake vegan. At least 5 to 10 times a day my gourd and eyes are assaulted by posts of dead baby chicks curled up, one in each section of not a dozen, but an 18 pack egg carton, sweet baby lambs with their innards hanging. Even talks about how inhumane it is to milk a cow and does not seem to appreciate my comparing it to how rude it is to be milked for babies (yup failed breast feeding 101 with a big thud). Rails against fishing, laments about us stealing eggs from chickens, cheating bee’s out of there hard earned honey( earned??) It is all a big sham!! Yep, she is a closet fast food Big Mac nosher of whopping proportions (did I mention her love of Whoppers too??)phony. Never have I seen someone hit that drive-thru with such veracity and carnivorous glint in their eyes. I wonder if it is guilt, or is it just be Joe Cool (snoopy reference, yeah I did it) in a society that makes so such a ruckus about what they stick down their gullets. It makes me laugh until the pictures are too gruesome to stomach, but never once does it make me feel bad as I am eating my grilled salmon or shoveling red meat into my mouth…Never once. What do you do about a closet carnivore, suppressing themselves in a cloak of vegan righteousness??


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. That Suburban Momma
    Jun 22, 2013 @ 22:03:36

    Omg, I hate that!!! I know at least 5!! It’s the cool thing right now…



  2. hownottokillyourparents
    Jun 22, 2013 @ 22:10:01

    Oh, that is just awful. I mean, if you’re going to go vegan (I am, btw), it’s not your place to try to indoctrinate the world. Just rename yourself a Jehovah’s witness and call it a day… I think there’s a way in FB that you can get her stuff removed from your feed without actually blocking her. I think you just rank her as “less important” or something like that. That you haven’t called her out on it is a testament to your excellence.



    • Dagmar Tully
      Jun 22, 2013 @ 22:28:40

      She told me that plants have feelings the other day. I asked her if that is so she is going to end up eating her own hair soon. I cannot block or even attempt to curb her, she is my mother and she will mystically know (creepy that way). But when her sister called me worried as to how to feed her when she comes to visit I did let the cat out of the bag. My poor poor aunt was so confused. I had to remind her of when my mother joined the Hare Krisha’s and it does no good to ask why…
      For a second I did think about giving her a long list of things to buy to feed her…but I am not that evil as funny as it would have been. I could see her sneaking out at 4 am cruising the little town in California where they live looking for a 24 hour fast food joint, like some junky.



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