Day 7 Good Sperm or Pregnancy Does Not Make You Pretty…just pretty angry

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Let’s get this one straight, being pregnant sucks. Even people who are stoked to be knocked up, by 7 months hate everyone and everything. They want their freaking bodies back from the alien invader. I put the suck in sucky pregnancies; I am just awful at it. Sick as a dog and pretty much anything that you can have happened has. I am disgusting too, hot and clammy. There is nothing pretty about it.
Though this last one was the best one so far. I was on bed rest for the last 2 months. Anyone that has ever been confined to your bed in theory it sounds great, and it is…for the first week. But after that you are restless and uncomfortable, and the downfall is there is no one there to bitch and complain to, which pisses you off even more. You also start acting like a loser. Sometimes just putting pajama’s right back on after showering, wandering around muttering to yourself with your huge swollen body. No shoes sometimes touch your feet for days on end. LOSER! And those emails you get from your coworkers or friends that have never had to experience walking around muttering caused from growing another human. They send you emails saying things like “must be nice”, being the absolute worst thing you can say. Must be nice that I HATE YOU! (Just for now though)
I commented to my OB/GYN that it was amazing how well the fourth one went and she clapped me on my back and said “Good Sperm!!!” I choked a little. It was like she was talking about a good vintage of wine…good sperm??? And if all the other sperm was bad, how do you test for that?? Is it just a crapshoot??
Childless people may think that we are beautiful during pregnancy. Like we are glowing and that we breeze through it looking like we are Venus De Milo but rounder. I thought they were creatures of myth, but then I had a friend that made that myth reality. We do not despise these women. We revere them as the goddess they are. They are everything we hope that we could be, and because they are the fantasy that we all dream of in our bloated and swollen, bones like glass, having a bladder that shrinks to ladybug size, clammy state. We cannot be snarky, we can only admire.
The one thing that we do hate is people that have never been there rolling their eyes as we dash for the bathroom to hurl our internal organs out of our mouths, noses and at times our eyes. It’s like we are putting them out or something. We do not like unsympathetic jackass’s who have NO IDEA what it is like. And no matter how much we love you and what you mean to us in this life we will remember any sigh or eye rolling or acerbic comment, we will store it away and always hold it against you. And each night before bed we will wish upon you the gnarliest of gnarly heartburn for all 9 months of your pregnancy. Remember, we hate everything by month 7…that includes you.

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