Caught It Like a Cold, Damn Merriment

Me, Christmas

Me, Christmas

Holidays. I used to feel physically exhausted and instantly deflated when I knew they were coming. I would feel my spirit tucking itself in, like an ostrich with its head in the sand. Wake me up when it was over. Even after becoming a mother I would try to find some of that excitement, maybe that sparkle would rub off on me. I loved to see their happy faces, it was easier when they were young and believed with feverish glee in magic, and you had to fake it enough so that some of your gloom did not shadow their memories, and in faking it some of that glow does seem to catch. But, they get older and when you come and say “Let’s write letters to Santa” and the response is the rolling of the ever-teenage eyeballs, the patting of my head (when did they all get taller??) in a condescending and yes, TEENAGE way and sent a text that says “MONEY”, a dark cloud comes again….and there is no one to pretend for anymore.

Me, my uncle's best friend, and his girlfriend.

Me, my uncle’s best friend, and his girlfriend.

I spent most of my life wondering why the holidays meant so much sadness to me, I am not an unhappy person, I am always trying to find the bright side of every goddamn petunia ( just made that up, whatever the hell it means!!), which tends to really annoy people, but Christmas was always my bleak time. Oddly, I love Christmas music, it at once makes me feel hopeful and like weeping. What the hell????

Then I became a mother for the 4th time. I was blessed with a daughter whose light glows so brilliantly you feel like you could just sometimes melt. I also realized that while I am not a depressed person that my baggage I carry with me from childhood was something that I had hoarded.

Rooting

Rooting

Growing up my mother was mentally ill, undiagnosed until years later. Christmas would come and all she could talk about was how sad it made her, she sometimes would crawl into bed and stay for days, leaving me on my own, or with friends. There are very few memories of her even being there when I was small, I remember my Uncle and all of his friends celebrating with me, but never her. Maybe she dragged herself out of bed long enough to hide on the couch, her long wild red hair hiding her eyes that were swollen from too much time spent asleep, a robe around her, quietly watching, but I don’t recall ever seeing her. When we moved from Southern Oregon to Portland and I grew a little older she would leave on road trips Christmas day and it was quietly empty in my house, it always seemed dark and cold. No one else could do anything because they were with their families and I was too embarrassed to tell them I was alone. After the holidays, she would want to talk about what a nasty time it all was, and because I was ecstatic she was talking to me and wanting to commiserate with her so she would continue to talk to me, I began to hate them too. I wanted to please her and I knew that my negativity would. We start cycles sometimes and they are hard to break.

I don’t know if I was a good actor for my kids, I know that all my life as a mother creating good memories has been a priority. But those little suckers aren’t so easily fooled. I try to make traditions with them so that they can feel some of the magic that I see in other families.

The last few years, through the eyes of a small child I have got to actually feel it. Realizing that my mother’s pain is not my own, and having a tiny human around you 24/7 that see’s wonder in everything makes it impossible to no get on the waves of balls…oh…wait….bells???? I am still catching up on the lingo of being joyful.

The Maker of Magic.

The Maker of Magic.

I am decorating the house tomorrow, the girl and I are picking up garland, she did not know what that was so she picked it instead of a wreath this year. We are unpacking the ceremonial Santa’s that somehow I have ended up owning boxes of, and she thinks that it would be “best to let Y—- pick goods spots for” (yes, she speaks of herself in 3rd person and it is contagious), and we are mailing her letter to Santa. And you want to know something? Those teenagers, and preteens that for years have rolled their asshole eyes as me when I ask for their letters to Santa, are all jacked up to write their letters and mail them! Sometimes it takes a young soul to weave magic in others’ lives. She has given us back ours. I cannot fucking wait for Christmas!!!! Writing my own letter, and it will say “Thank you for a second chance, Santa.”

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. torry marrs-aka-Chips Hanson
    Apr 18, 2014 @ 14:20:06

    Jesus (sorry lord, Easter wknd. and all???) Dagmar, just read your Christmas story and got all teary eyed and sad (thanks a lot,lol!) confused, more sadness, understanding and a weird roller coaster feeling in my stomach in appreciation of your holiday plight. Well written and conveyed, bravo for your bravery! No idea you had four kids, VULL spawn!?? I thought you were some happy go lucky, well educated, martini-Cosmo swilling cat lady living with the brainiac hubby in Portlandia all fuzzy and warm, snarky-cool-humorous-historiclly-woman minded writer I could appreciate in content and context. Au contraire! Your the sensitive, caring, cool,cat lady living in Portandia withe braniac hubby and daughter who brought it all back to living color and illumination. I envy you. I’ll make this brief.I lost my daughter 12 years ago when her mother left and took off with her,no word or notice, just vanished! Europa, the Caribe, married some ass clown. So every holiday I go to pieces in my own living hell. She’ll be 14 this May 2nd, oh boyyy! Anyways, great story and insights continue to swirl around my imagination about you and the Tully family (no, not some whack job stalker on the internet!) I don’t think?? Lol>>.NO!!!! The rooting tree photos really set me on my heels in anguish, wow, that was weird, BUT then I read the Danzig story and burst out laughing with joy at the teen angst, hatred of all things metal and joy for all things Depeche, Iggy or 80-90’s hip that teen girls latch on to with hormonal dignity and outrageous bursts of ‘Y’ chromosone enthusiasam without having to acquire tattoos and facial metal piercings to show their undieing loyalty, just hairspray and some bangles.! LOL You have quite a knack for story telling which is why I enjoy your musings on VULL and now on here, a side track while my server reboots back to ‘Vintage Treasure’, and Decaying Hollywood Mansions’. Yes, I’ve been disloyal and cheating on you while your on vacation, I’m sorry, I’m a guy, it’s part of our innate inability to focus on one labbian adventure at a time. Always checking out the action as it breezes by..stoopid over active imagination and libido! LOL,,, But I did waer protection while I was in there rooting around for glam shots and ancient women of celluloid beauty. So many I never knew about! My god, what a world the 1920-30’s must have been. I did ‘tag’ a few photos for you that seemed interesting and apologise for abusing my powers if that’s the case. Think of it as homework from a friend! yeahhh! Christ (sorry again lord!) I’m writing a freak’n novella here. So thanks for the groovy letters and photos you shared, quite hysterical to say the least on women. Happy Easter (I hope he doesn’t see his shadow and we get 4 more weeks of winter, Ughhh!) and your Vegas holiday was a stunner with the girls. Looking forward to the tales of fear and loathing from the bunnies tails. Cheers to you and yours. Chips/aka/Torry
    PS for god’s sake don’t let VULL go away, don’t get discouraged, I’ll help if need be to keep her going. (researcher/ stuntman/humorist?)?)No lump in the throat nonsense because of FB-BS. FIGHT THE POWER! What would’ camel girl, or bawdy ‘pussy ladies’ from Vaudeville say and do?? FIGHT ON SISTA!!! Exactly! Yes, I have got to set up my own sight ASAP! Way to much fun…..and can’t live off of your life vicariously now can I?? Well, sort of I suppose, as your stuntman! lol

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    • Dagmar Tully
      May 03, 2014 @ 12:57:22

      This just tugged at my heart. There are so many dads that just don’t stick around or leave when they realize parenting isn’t all jokes and giggles. So it makes sad that there is a little girl out there with a dad who pines for her and she doesn’t get to receive that love. I am truly sorry, and I hope somehow that is changes.
      As far as the Blog, writing was always my first love but life got in the way and I kind of forgot how to do it. I used to write religiously so that I had someone to talk to …and have trunks of notebooks…but they all got locked away years ago. A few years ago my youngest son had an accident of sorts and has been homebound and I had another on the way so I decided to hang up my heels and fabulous clothes (yes some of the shoes/clothes I post on the page are mine) and hang out in jeans and flip flops. So with a son that needed constant care and a small baby….I had nothing for me or so my pity party told me. I started writing again..after like 20 years. I am rusty and impatient (hence needing an editor) but it still feels the same. The more personal things are hard for me, but I am trying to get over. Thank you for reading it, and the feedback. Like the FB page it is just a huge collage of mishmash!!

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      • Chips Hanson.....DBA>>>>/Torry Marrs
        May 03, 2014 @ 13:50:48

        PSS just got another letter from you in my email about your writing/journals/ son sick/baby on the way, WHeeeeeew you lead a fun filled life! LOL So I put all my yearly journals/cards/letters/gifts and such to my mising daughter in a trunk as well as call it “The leav’n trunk,’ as in the Leaving trunk for her so when she grows up she’ll know her daddy did not forget her or forgot to love her while she was gone. Maybe-just maybe when she’s 18-19-20 someone will tell her about me, the trunk at my friends house awaiting her….I have an entire ‘Made for Oprah’ tear jerker script that will bring down the house on the big screen! called ‘The Leav’n Trunk.” and so my daughters quest to find her cool, suave, well educated, mysterious father begins…..and the heart warming ending which will bring the house down!! I smell Oscars and Palm De Ore! You have the talent of an Erma Bombeck meets Chelsea handler (whether you like them or not) Honest, insightful quik witted, funny and talented personal bits of FYI for us to nibble on, HONEST writing, no BS perse on the outside, which is what intrigues this writer. SO, I’ll edit and proof read, if you’ll do the same for me…..Think about it DT, @4-0 or so, you could be a best selling book author, I’m serious, you’ve got what it takes! I’m a voracious reader of NF/bios/novels/history/peoples lives and you have it! Now, to get you published or self-published. remember that JR James(sp/) woman ’50 Shades’ nonsense, she doubted herself and BLAM, 60 MILLION self published copies of crappy R-rated porn sold like hot tamales!! Not to mention all the spin offs and swag they sell. A gazillion $$$$$$$$$ and more travel for you, the kids educations, that 1969 Red Pontiac GTO for the hubby with chrome white walls! So your little world of truth and make believe a profound affect on people, get cracking bee-otch and quit whining about no fans and followers! They’ll be the ones lining up @ B&Noble for your autograph later on, the “I knew her when she was just a….” Fuck this site, the world beckons you on a much bigger scale! !! 🙂 I’m done, time for me to get crack’n as well……my $$$$$$ millions are also beckoning! (ohhh and I want the screen rights to your books, I asked FIRST!!) LOL Cheers Dagmar daw-ling. 😉

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      • Dagmar Tully
        May 03, 2014 @ 15:26:41

        Oh, I really hope that it is not that long before she can hunt down her secret treasure. Speaking as someone who never knew her dad, finding you will be like finding the missing part of herself.
        No whining herr. Except for the FB crap which is just frustrating. It never has bothered me that there is not a lot of traffic here on my baby. It was more about learning about why I loved it once. And consistency is not a strong trait.
        Ugh I read those 50 shades of complete and utter crap you speak of. All 3 and was embarrassed to be a female for a few days because the main character gave dimwit a bad name. …making hairball noises as I type this on my phone!

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      • Chips Hanson.....DBA>>>>/Torry Marrs
        May 04, 2014 @ 13:17:07

        Presto! Editing tools, nice! I’m still delving into self publishing for dummies, screen writing for idiots and Non -profits/foundation free $$ for buffoons,….and qualify for all three, the last being self imposed for self blustering and narcicisstic behavior as of late..! NEWS, The circus in PVD collapsed today sending 8 aerialists to the ground injured, not totenkompf thank god, only in RI! WtF!? Derby was a cavalry charge at the end, Springsteen kicked ass in NOLA and the entire state of Vermont is spotless after an all out, 44 th Anniv, Clean Up Vt, annual program by the locals walking the roads and streets filling green bags with over 40 tons of hand litter, YEahh! Love my peeps! And Cinco de Mayo manana with a warning that both limes and tequila may be more expensive this year due to the fact that the Sinaloa cartel where most agave/mescal cactus plantations reside as well as mucho grande Mexican lime orchards are raising their prices due to under performance in sales ($60 billion a year!) and busts of the cartels drugs/money laundering operations in La Staetos Unitatos! So get out there gringos and buy more illegal drugs with your bottle of Poncho Villa tequila and limes for those margaritas while they celebrate the liberation from France and the new bosses in town, La Sinaloa cartels!
        `OLE!’

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  2. torry marrs-aka-Chips Hanson
    Apr 18, 2014 @ 14:23:26

    Shit, the public can read this? Damn! Hi, my real name is Gerhart von Beaverhausen and I made this all up!! That guy above is my doppleganger and he’s a total nut case!! He won’t leave me alone! Thank you for understanding>

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    • Dagmar Tully
      May 03, 2014 @ 12:58:00

      Pretty sure that not a lot of people see any of this blog…not sure if you noticed I don’t have a whole lot of followers!

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      • Chips Hanson.....DBA>>>>/Torry Marrs
        May 03, 2014 @ 13:28:35

        Sure they do!!! I have friends in Russia, Norway, Montreal, N.Korea, two different prisons, a women’s correctional facility and some gnomes in W.Virginia who adore your site/blog! who you kidding ‘Debbie-Downer?’Not to mention the entire Beaverhausen clan, the Marrs family of bizarre circus performers, The Hansons of Viking ancestry, and the entire Mohawk Indian tribe in upstate NY, turtle branch !! So who you kidding??? That’s at least a quarter of a million followers right there!, Circus folk, carnies! artists, reformed alcoholics and dope peddlers (420!), buffoons and bozos, ilk and elk like animal trainers, transvestites and bon apitite food porn tasters, MC gangstas, hippies and yippies, rising stars and falling comets, all in your pee-pee pants coner baby! So stop fretting, your not going anywhere or else some pretty pissed of dwarfs, bearded ladies, ex-cons, and pink elephants might show up on your door steps and hopefully not scare the crap out of the kids and dogs…..”MOMMY!! Dad!!! A little bearded man in a harlequin suit (I know your kids know what it is surely!!) a blue ballerina on a red goat is on our lawn with a monkey playing ‘Tipperarre’ on a harmonica !” So we don’t want that happening now do we??? DO NOT stop writing or posting even when discouraged, Your fans and fanatics adore your input and crazy insights! Carry on! Carpe Diem!! (PS, and I don’t ever write to the other posts/blogs either, so there….)

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      • Dagmar Tully
        May 03, 2014 @ 13:34:22

        Well who the hell knew I had such a huge following! Damn! You say buffoons, too? Although I did know about the bon a petite food porn tasters, I do consider a few of them my closet friends. Such wonderful snobs! I won’t stop writing, in fact I made an investment today in it! Woop woop. Honored to my toes that you normally don’t post on blogs.

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      • Chips Hanson.....DBA>>>>/Torry Marrs
        May 03, 2014 @ 13:59:17

        Haa-haaaaa your pampered, pedicured painted phalanges no doubt incased in some open toed mules?? What’s the investment, more in refills? Lined journal paper, a publisher perhaps? Longer letter preceeds all this on the subject. OHHHH, anyone ‘name the ‘who is it guy’ yet? carrying it over I hope..?? Kentucky Derby time!!! female jockey this year too!!!

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      • Dagmar Tully
        May 03, 2014 @ 15:20:50

        Yes. Lined paper. No no I spent a small fortune ( for me ) on editing tools so I can continue to be impatient and not be embarrassed later by it.

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