Exchanging a Hot Bitch for a Cool One or Happy Autumn Equinox

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Today is Autumn Equinox, it makes me sad because I am not quite ready to hit Summer in the ass as she exits. I usually am ready to kiss that hot bitch goodbye but this year she seemed a little quick to leave me….but goodbyes are always emotional for me. Autumn is my favorite time of year, Oregon Octobers are amazing. The tree’s run riot with their vampy colors….sometimes so vivid that I truly think that it would be cartoonish if it weren’t so goddamned beautiful. And the smell….it gets so stagnant and downright stale smelling here by the end of August in the heat…it is like smelling old bread that not even the birds find appetizing…so when the sky is still clear blue and air starts turning cooler the fragrance is so sweet. Like something that is shiny and new. It is amazing….the month before we get 8 months of dumpy gray, muddy, rain clogged, sodden months of damp. So I always remember to appreciate October….but mostly because it is almost glorious Halloween and I can pepper your news feeds with as much freaky stuff as my heart desires and it is all in the spirit of celebration! So you will have to enjoy it or look like misers that have lost their love of good fun~~ Xoxo…..Anyhoooooooooo Happy Autumn Equinox!

Jack Be Nimble and the Genius of Others

Jack Be Nimble Jack Be Quick Jack Jump Over  The Candle Stick

Jack Be Nimble
Jack Be Quick
Jack Jump Over
The Candle Stick

Okay, there has been resolution to the Halloween costume issue.  We decided, agreed, and executed!! I might also add CONQUERED!

I will save that for Halloween.

I want to talk about the genius of other people.  I have a Facebook Page that is a little different from this blog.  Similar in a way that it is all over the place.  I cannot just have one branch, I need a hundred going in all direction or I get bored.  There is a theme usually, I like history, stories, and people.  So it is just a visual of that.  I posted this picture as an idea for others that may have been struggling and with

costumes as I was.  Then a fan of the page suggests that all you would need is Jack Be Nimble.  I read that and was stunned and so envious!  So simple, yet so brilliant!!!!  It was perfect.  Flashes of tossing out our complete costumes and trying to start over danced across my mind for a full day.  I couldn’t do it.  With all that I have put my Saint of a Husband through, this might be the last straw.  So I am tucking away the idea for next year, and believe me, I will start November 1st to look for pieces to complete the genius that was placed in my lap.

Thank you, Miss Dawn.

A Dent to the Head a Blow to the Soul

 

The trials and tribulations of picking a costume had begun to haunt me.  I dreamed of costumes and my idea’s being stacked up like milk bottles and knocked down one by one like in a carnival game.  I think I had begun to doubt my own ability to be practical and original.  I blamed my saintly (frustrating asshat) husband for this.   If he did not have to poke holes in every idea I had, or for once instead of being the negative one could be the idea man.  I needed some sort of spark, something that would light a fire under my creative ass!

95585d2b3633f5d740d9489da2287132In came in the local thrift store, I was trying to find props for my oldest sons costume, and there amongst the clutter was the perfect idea looking me square in the face.  Telephones, old rotary dial phones.  They had a pile of them jumbled up on the shelf.  I didn’t buy them because I wanted Saintly Sighing Husband to see for himself and give him the option to pick out his own color and style (and for me to preen).

I waited until the weekend so that he wouldn’t bitch and moan about being dragged to the thrift store (to be fair our week days are exceedingly busy between work, appointments, and sports) on a work night.

When I took him and explained my idea he grins at first, and I think CHA-CHING!!! I had finally won, hit the treasure chest of awesome idea’s and had finally hit the mecca of mutual agreement.  Still smiling he turns to me and says “Have you picked one up?” I don’t understand at first, until he gestures to actually picking one up.  Before I can he lifts one up and places it on my head (that was where I had planned on us wearing them) the fucker must have weighed 20 pounds!!!  Seriously, the base of it is metal and I don’t know what the hell was inside of those things but they are solid.  I understand why he is smiling, he knows that I had not thought of this.  WHY WOULD I?

Once again I cannot argue with his logic, if we wore them all night we would risk permanent brain damage and dent-age.

Seeing how bummed I am he is kind and does not make fun, he just takes my hand and leads me out the door, into the car, and to the local ice cream parlor…..he always knows how to sooth my troubled soul.

 

I have not given up yet…… I have a week.

I Don’t Want to Be Robin (Male Camel Toe)

70s-mens-jumpsuitsOn with the search for the perfect costume.  With being shot down on Carmen Miranda and Sidekick and Sea Horses, I tried to insert logic into my thinking.  It is really is not as fun as just running with it, but I have to consider two people, and frankly one isn’t quite as FUN as the other.  A lovely man, but lacking in imagination for sure!

So the chest hair getting caught in the net of the Sea Horse costume made me start thinking.  Lovely man does have some chest hair, and that could be very useful.  First I had visions of him in short, shorts and an open Hawaiian shirt with lots of chest hair poking out ala Magnum PI, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be Robin….Magnum was the cool one…who the hell would know who I was??  But then I came across this little jumpsuit gem……how awesome is a polyester man’s jumpsuit???  I mean I could throw something together but he could be a groov’in man of the 70’s taking the leisure suit to a higher level.  The chest hair would be such an asset.  I was almost jumping up and down in my anticipation of showing my unimaginative man his new costume.  I didn’t even bother to ask……I wanted it to be a surprise.  I could almost see his face as he came home and saw the shoes and jumpsuit all laid out on the bed, almost glowing with its magnificent glory.  How could he find fault with this.

When he gets home from work, I rush upstairs behind him as he goes to change not wanting to miss the look on his face.  Also wanting to bask in his warm compliments on finding what I consider is gold.

Now, his expression isn’t all that I had hoped for but he does look amused.  “I suppose you want me to try this on?” to which I respond by just clapping my hands and jumping up and down!!!  So I wait on the bed as he changes, I can hear him chuckling.  When I ask if he is laughing because it is so fabulous, he asks me what size it is.  Size? Ummm, hadn’t really thought of that.  It was just too awesome to have noticed a tag.  He walks out of closet and the sight that I am confronted with something that is so hilarious it took away from my disappointment of another costume landing with a CRASH! BOOM! CLANG! The polyester is so tight that there is NOTHING left to the imagination. It clings everywhere. What do you call a male camel toe? Is there a name?  It is not a pretty sight, uproariously funny, but not pretty.  When he turned around the material crawled so far up his ass that it almost looked painful.  And length?? About 6 inches too short, he has his black dress socks on and his hairy calves are sticking out with the space between the top of his socks and the bottoms of the jumpsuit legs.  I am laughing so hard that I fall off the bed.  I race out the door, I need a picture!!! He knows me too well and got his jumper off before I had time to get back up with my phone to capture the moment. So I did not get to capture possibly one of the most sidesplitting moments in our married lives (and there have been many) in a photo, I will forever carry that image with me.

While the purchase and idea did not work the way that I had anticipated it was $20 well spent.

It think I have another idea that WILL work (and fit).

Sometimes Chest Hair Get’s in the Way

Having had my Carmen and sidekick costume idea shot down with a sigh, I began a quest.  I wanted something original, something that would not break the bank, and not something so obscure that people would have question us all night as to what we were.  Still sulking about not being able to wear my beautiful shoes or fruit on my head, it took a few days for me to recover (and I had to show my husband just how disappointed I was).

.facebook_-641375131He was kind enough to pretend to even consider my next idea, he was trying to avoid another few days of me “humph-ing” everything (that is not HUMPING!!!).  I thought it was a wonderful idea!! I was so excited that I could not wait until he got home from work to show him.  So I didn’t! I emailed my brilliance to him and waited for him to respond with glowing admiration at me finding such a fantastic costume!  I waited a long time.  He finally responded with a hesitation reeking in each typed word, I could almost smell it!!  “That is pretty neat (he never uses the word ‘neat’).Is that what you want us to be?” my response to this was to fume until he walked in the door.  He takes off his coat and tie, and sits down and logically points out just how cold we would be, and that while the costumes were NEAT that it kind of looks as if we are wearing diapers, and he doesn’t know how he feels about mesh. While I would like point out all the flaws in his reason, I can’t.  He is right, we would look like we had loads in our pants all night.  While I would find it amusing his chest hair sticking out of the mesh….I am sure that he does not want to be the comical part of our costume.  Not to mention where the hell am I going to find TWO seahorse heads?? I am not creative nor talented, if I attempted a seahorse we would end up looking like two Clay Monsters and would have to explain our costume all night.

I hate to admit it when he is right, and when his sensibility overrules my dazzling ideas.  But once again foiled by the man who makes my heart go pitter pat and who can piss me off more than any other human on the earth…awww love.

 

20 more days to figure it out.

The Zunicorn, Vagina, and Maracas (search for the perfect costume)

carmen miranda 0I am no longer a child, but I pine each year for a brilliant idea to come and the time to fulfill that vivid vision.  There never seems to be time, part of not being a shitty mom is that those little humans that sprung forth from your loins come first.  You must get each of them their fantasy costume.  Time and thought must be paid. It does not end at single digits, my older kids inherited my love of playing pretend for a day.  They plot and plan until it is just right, often they cannot make up their minds so many years we have been two ideas mushed together: dead football player,   Zombie ghost, Dead Doctor, Hell Fire Zombie Teenager, Car Hop/Pink Lady, Pirate Rastafarian, and Hippie Vampire.  We always make it work somehow.  This year I have a Zunicorn (zebra and unicorn).  The others are still choosing. But I am impatient to get started on the adult costumes.

The thing about adult costumes is when you are a couple it is almost an unwritten law that you must somehow have a costume that makes sense as a couple, you have lost your individuality.  I really wanted to be Carmen Miranda this year, I have amazing red velvet shoes ala 1940’s that are crying out for some fruit topping, my husband did not see the thrill of wearing tight black pants and an open necked ruffled shirt and shaking his maracas. His sigh at the idea radiated BORING!  Back to closet went my red velvet lovelies (with a sigh of my own) and back to the drawing board I went.  As it goes this has been a long process, with many sighs and “whatever’s”, maybe I would be a little less apt to feel frustration if one suggestion was made, but no he leaves the idea’s to me and one by one has vetoed every freaking one.  Now I love that he is willing to dress up with me, and that he understands that I do NOT want MY maracas or anything else hanging out i.e. no slutty costumes for this chick, unless they are super funny floozy costumes, which I don’t think that they make!! DAMN!  But I don’t want to be worried about buns hanging out, let ricky-ricardoalone some vagina…those costumes are SHORT!  And I don’t like being cold.  I need a costume that is created, dreamed up and then fulfilled.  I am lucky that he understands this and plays along, but a notion of what he might want to be would be nice!! Not that I wouldn’t totally shoot him down, he is not the Conception guy when it comes to make believe, way too into math, logic, and crap that I just DO NOT understand!  So here is an account of our journey to genius (find the perfect costume).

 

To be Continued……….

Adults Not Allowed

565e33be7343b02857bc88b753ab817aIt is that time of year, the best time of year.  The leaves are still changing, a riot of color. I always think of it as their one last Hurrah before they become naked and bare for the winter.  Everything smells clean and fresh, people are finally allowed to have burn piles…and that mixed with the cool air makes everything seem like you are heading somewhere…towards coats, scarfs, hats, muddy shoes, and the holidays!  The best Holiday starts off the run of them all that leave us exhausted by January 1st. Halloween!!!!!  Just saying it is almost lyrical.

Recent years I have just watched this great and magical day get squashed by people that have nothing to do but live to complain about crap!!  My preschooler can wear Orange to school this year to celebrate “Harvest”….WTF!!!!!!!  Harvest???  Like harvesting your squash, as in squashing the spirits of young children everywhere???  Yep!

So let’s talk Halloween, I am speaking to all you WOULD BE SQUASHERS, because the ones that are already decided on this are too far gone to change living in their hovel of fear, but YOU the fence riders can be the ones to join arms (not as in weapons, but as in costumes!) and rise up against this tyranny of utter BULLSHIT!  Let’s talk about the magic of being a child.  Of really believing in your head that for one day you can be anything that you want to be.  Doesn’t matter what your life is like, doesn’t matter if you are the bi-product of June and Ward Cleaver or the child of a crack head, YOU can be whatever you want for a day, and leave whatever is not good in your life behind, you can be a princess that no harm ever touches, you can be the best baseball player, putting Ted Williams to shame, you could be a super hero fighting for all of the injustice in the world.  There is no limit.  No one will make fun of you for being ‘different’ because this day celebrates being different, who can come up with the most original costume, funniest costume, outrageous costume!  There is no trick – or – treating for adults.  Have you noticed that?  That is because by the time we are adults we have lost that magic that allows us to totally transform yourself for an entire day, logic has set in so you no longer believe.  But a child believes, has faith.  This is a day to celebrate being a child, so let them be children, and butt the hell out you unimaginative grownups!  This day is NOT for you and is NOT called Harvest!  Happy Halloween

 

This is To Be Continued as I am sure I will have lots to say about it.  And even though it is not a day that belongs to me anymore, I still believe with all that I am that I can be someone else for the day, too.

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