THE BOOK!
October 1992 Madonna’s Sex Book came out. That was some marketing wizardry, publishing it in that silver Mylar wrapper so no one would be able to see exactly what was under that shiny wrapping. Then, tout from all rooftops how risqué it was, that the fetish material was truly shocking, how other ‘stars’ were also subjects in Madonna’s modern day erotica. You had Madonna slyly quipping about how it was a glimpse into her world of sexuality, and how it would change perceptions of what sex was about. Then the outcry of M.C.M.A.M.V. group, remember them? Moral Christian Moms against Madonna’s Vagina? NO? Probably because I just made it up, but I am sure there were groups similar. All the hype built up until people were practically frothing at the mouths to get that wrapper off…which was all the point, right?
That year I had two roommates, we were all broke teenagers living paycheck to paycheck, well, for the two of that waited tables, tips to tips. But we made a pact that we would all chip in and buy this book. See what all they hype was about. I was superior of the three, in the fact that I had seen Madonna naked, hairy pits and all, in her Playboy issue, my silly teenage soul liked to lord that over their innocent heads.
It was closing in on Christmas when we had enough money, so we decided that we would wrap our new ‘Book’, and open it together on Christmas morning. A present to ourselves. No one was allowed peep at the goods underneath the molten silver (super cheap but surprisingly thick plastic) binding until each of us were sitting in front of the tree on the 25th. That was the plan, the one that I agreed on. That is NOT how it happened.
I have held onto this secret for a long time, and like the suspense built to see what was under that cover, I have had this guilt building in me for many years.
IT WOULD HAVE WORKED OUT IF IT HAD NOT SNOWED!!!
I worked within walking distance of our apartment a 7 a.m., to 4 shift, and my roommates both worked swing. We lived in an area that snow meant frenzied excitement quickly followed by disappointment as the beautiful flakes turned to rain. The snow started that afternoon, making the 100 feet I had to walk home a little more thrilling, in passing as they left for work my roommates joked about “putting on their chains”. Well, in this case they should have. The snow did not stop for 3 days.
The storm knocked out our electricity and the phones, and no one made it back to that apartment until the 4th day. Those were the 3 most tedious days I have ever experienced. The restaurant I worked at closed down because I was the only person able to get there, the streets were empty, it was quiet, it was cold, and it would have been dark if it had not been “cool” to have old brass candle holders and if anything we were the coolest because we had to have had at least 20 all over the house. So I had light, but no music, television…no human contact.
I spent a lot of time staring at the Christmas tree. My triumphant tree. We didn’t have a tree topper so we used my O’Neil Kewpie doll (for those of you that like old crusty stuff, O’Neil means it is just about ancient). I can still remember how proud I was of that tree. I had lived on my own for two years by then, since the age of 16 and had never had my own Christmas tree. I kind of felt that it was a symbol of “making it”. So in that storm, when hours felt like years because I was JUST THAT BORED!!! I did a lot of staring at that tree, I also did a lot of staring at the package that was under it, wedged between two others.
By the third night I could take it anymore!!!! I was bordering on the edge of cracked and irrational, like I had an itch on the bottom of my foot and if I could not scratch it I might lose my ridiculous mind!
I made a plan, I would be super careful. I got out everything that I would need. Roll of tape, the same wrapping paper as we had wrapped it in, just in case I ripped it. I carefully opened the wrapping paper, and pulled the book out, it was heavy and rather long, everything was going fine until I realized there was no way to open the silver wrapping
Wicked Mylar Wrapping
without actually cutting it. Damn!!! I am desperate though, and plow ahead. I am too far gone to stop now!!! I neatly slit the top of the packaging. Silently thanking Madonna for not packing it tightly to where I would have issues getting it out. I slide THE BOOK out. Has anyone seen it? Well it has a metal frame with the name of it cut out of the metal, it is cheaply bound with wire, like a spiral notebook. So the pages are hard to turn and it feels like you might break it. I open it, not sure what I will find, half way expecting a powerful light to shoot out and melt my face like when the Nazi’s open the Arc in Indiana Jones. Oh, how my 18 year old perverse soul was so disappointed. Sure there were artsy pictures of nude Madonna, some pseudo bondage pictures, some pictures of Vanilla Ice, Big Daddy Kane, but Madonna, no willie shots? Too progressive for you? Naomi Campbell is in there in all her glistening glory, I am not sure that people are supposed to have skin that perfect, it is a bit unnerving. Looking back now I can just see those two diva’s during a photo shoot. Having their assistants throw stuff a one another’s heads. Oye! Bitches galore!! No wonder there were no willies, they were probably scared!
Okay, back to 1992! Anyway, I searched that book from cover to cover, somehow thinking that the candlelight was hiding the naughtiness, if I had electric lighting that the glaring filth that I was expecting would splash back at me. NOTHING! Even at my relatively innocent 18 year old mind could see that this was tame, it was nothing but Madonna’s ego. There was nothing to learn about sexuality, nothing to learn about having an open mind. It was supposed to shock but it only disappointed. I sat there in front of the tree, with the evidence of my wickedness scattered around me. Guilt washed over me, I had broken a promise and it had NOT even been worth it! I wondered if my guilt would have been less if I had opened a treasure trove of smut??? Maybe? My mind went a little too far, as mine often does, I wondered if the book would have been better if I would have waited, if by me breaking trust had somehow ruined Madonna’s book (see ego confused with karma in me too). Panic set in. How am I going to put the wrapper on without anyone noticing it had been open??????????????? I did the best that I could by the dim light. Praying to my Kewpie doll to make a Christmas miracle and have the package seal on its own. I set the package directly where I had found it making sure that the other presents were the same ones that had been near it before. The next day the storm broke and I spent the remaining period between then and Christmas in constant anxiety knowing I was going to get caught.
Christmas morning came, and I learned a very valuable lesson; men do not notice the same things as women such as packaging or wrapping. They just tear right into it. I could have left that silver packaging gaping open and they would have not noticed. They shredded it to get to the goal: the book. I am lucky that both my roommates were men, very lucky. I didn’t even have feign interest because they were too engrossed it examining Naomi’s nipples, and making fun of Madonna’s alter ego “Mistress Dita”, the time that I had practiced opening the package in the mirror wasted. Saved by testosterone!!! Yeah!
It took a few years to forgive and stopped feeling betrayed by Madonna (she totally duped me!!!), but in reflection I recognized her brilliance. She built a palace of bullshit and convinced us that we needed it, and we bought it all! Literally. She may not be the most eloquent of women, but she is as clever as they come. She can market herself on all sides. M.C.M.A.M.C’s (Moral Christian Mother’s Against Madonna’s Vagina) probably spent a fortune on those books so they could be outraged, Men wanting to see Madge’s v-jayjay, women not wanting to be left behind (obviously we are curious creatures!!). Everyone bought this book!!! It sold 1.2 units within 3 days! 3 days!! That is huge for a book. It was estimated that between that and the Erotica CD that was released the same week 500 million was raked in. Did I say Madonna was a genius?
Whew! My 20 year old secret is out! I feel pretty good about getting it out into the light. I am a breaker of promises!
THE BOOK? Upstairs in my room, I somehow ended up the permanent parent of the 3 way ownership of lots of pictures of Madonna’s breasts. It is in a box with Madonna’s 1985’s Playboy (what??? I was a huge fan!!!). The bright light in the years between Playboy and Sex, was that Madonna had learned how to use a razor, see she WAS progressive!!! Also, as much turmoil that Mylar wrapping caused me, if I still had possession of my silver nemesis today that book would be worth twice as much as I paid for it….damn!
Vodka, Unicorns, and Lincoln Logs 